His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
