You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
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I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
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You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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