At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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