ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
