So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
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Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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