party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
