Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
