Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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