im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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