Umm I'm too high to move.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
