the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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