you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
