the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
