This girl is more easily done than said...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
