You're completely useless in the revolution.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
