This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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