Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry kettlespout hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(972): View more from Texas

he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Still. Make it happen

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(925): View more from California

Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....

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(323): View more from California

Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.

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