I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
