i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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