you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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