my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
