you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
