i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Sober January is a disaster.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
