i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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