Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
