what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
