I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
