Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
