Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize