Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
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Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
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We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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