And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
