You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
