Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
