I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
