we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
