There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
