just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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