I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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