My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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