I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
