i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
