just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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