I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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