I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
