Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
