Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If I die, sorry about rent.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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