Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
