just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
