you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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