He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
