There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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