If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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