my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
