the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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