A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
