Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone