youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
My balls are so social today.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dating After Heartbreak
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always